Lisa Newburger, LISW-S./aka Diana Directive, provides humorous ways to deal with difficult topics. Check out Diana’s Web page at www.discussdirectives.com.This month has been nuts! Mom is STILL in ICU! The doctors and nurses are asking me tons of questions, like I would know the answers. Sometimes I literally go into the bathroom and toss a coin to come up with an answer. They wanted to do surgery to put something into Mom and the coin landed on heads, so I said “Yes.” But this nurse chick walked in on me while I was tossing and I had to cover pretty quickly. The stress of all of this is causing BIG trouble for me. I gained three pounds! Look, a girl like me cannot afford to gain weight. Men like a svelte bod, right? Besides, my clothes are so fitted that I can barely breathe in them. Here’s an important tip, ladies. High-end jeans like True Religion DO make your butt look smaller. Oh yeah, mine already is…Marissa, my dental office manager, has been helping me out quite a bit. After getting the forms to her, things have been going pretty smoothly with the FMLA thingy. Also, I snagged a dermatologist to help me fill out the forms. Look, I was hoping for a plastic surgeon, or at least a cardiac surgeon, but I’ll take what I can get. This is all for mom, right? She would be happy with any kind of doctor taking care of me. I realized something from this experience. I have been putting my mom before myself. That is not good. If I don’t take care of myself, who will? A couple of months ago, I started having pain in my mouth. Between shopping, boating, “hot” dates, and more, there was never time to go to the dentist to get it checked out. Now, with mom in the hospital, there is definitely no time for me. I even missed that Neiman Marcus sale, darn it! But, the pain started getting worse, and I couldn’t open my mouth. Can you believe my co-workers even seemed to enjoy a quieter Diana? Finally, I went to my dentist. Yep, it was TMJ. I had been wearing an orthotic and no one had noticed it. But now I was in serious trouble because I hadn’t been taking care of myself. Look, kissing and orthotics don’t quite go together, so I prioritized. Give up kissing? Are you nuts?! With running back and forth between work and the hospital all the time, when was I supposed to get to the dentist? More important, when was I supposed to get to my manicurist?
As a result, I am now in braces. I look like a sexy schoolgirl. All I need is a plaid skirt and the men will go nuts! And to think I wanted to look like Wonder Woman! The front desk girls at my office are now laughing at me. It’s ridiculous. Jealousy really brings out the worst in people. Even they know that I can make wearing braces look hot. But how am I going to fit in running back and forth to the TMJ specialist on top of everything else?My stress level is climbing. How do I normally cope with stress? SHOPPING! But that’s out because I have no time. How about exercise! Sweating isn’t a good thing for a Brazilian Blowout. You know the motto — save the hair and you will live another day! How about writing! Yeah, I can write in a journal. There is a lot of dead time at the hospital — oops, no pun intended! Another coping mechanism is talking on the phone! Now that one I can get into. I like to call Bruce and tell him all my challenges, such as breaking a nail, what hottie I just met, and more. I could also go talk to that social worker at the hospital. After all, she does need an image consultant with that wardrobe of hers. But she also might be able to really help me. How do you handle stress? I don’t want the zits or weight gain to come. Help a sister and e-mail me at [email protected]. After all, we girls have to stick together. OMG! Did I just say that? What is happening to me? I am turning to other women for help! Miracles never cease to amaze me.
