Diana talks about directives, part 2
By Lisa Newburger, LISWS, aka Diana Directive, who provides humorous ways to deal with difficult topics. She can be reached at www.discussdirectives.com.
I’m baaaaack!! They still haven’t gotten around to giving me a paycheck. It has been what, two months? Is that common? My dentist is really pretty decent except when he wants me to WORK. Isn’t that a four-letter word? He really asks for WAY too much.
Last month was a little rough with my dentist coming back late from lunch that day. I was worried that something BAD had happened, and I wasn’t going to make it to the big Saks sale. Who was I kidding? I was worried about ME. Look, someone has to worry about me. I was thinking about what I would want if I got in a terrible accident. If my exquisitely perfect, heart-shaped face was damaged, just LOCK ME UP and throw away the key. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I couldn’t look in the mirror and see perfection. What do you mean I am NOT supposed to say that about myself? It’s true! Look, hospitals and I don’t go together very well, unless there is a cute young doctor checking me out. Can you blame me? What is a girl to do? My dentist is happily married. What a bummer! I don’t want to be a “working girl” all my life. Not when I can devote myself full time to my real calling — shopping.
Oh yeah, I went on that Web site www.discussdirectives.com and downloaded a free Living Will and Power of Attorney for Health Care. But there was a problem. No, I know how to push the little button to make it print. I just didn’t know that 44 pages were going to spit out of the printer. I hate to say it, but I got BUSTED. What, like you never printed anything personal at work? Come on, fess up! The printer jammed. The machine got fixed by you know who. There is one in every office — the “Technical Queen.”
When I looked at the documents I was stumped. Who should have the honor of making decisions for moi if I can’t? I have no idea. This implies TRUST. Who do I trust to make sure that my hair and makeup always look good? That’s obvious. My beautician. Can I do that? My receptionist barked, “NO YOU CAN’T. You are n-u-t-s!” Who does she think she is, calling me nuts? She shrieked, “You need to find someone who knows what you want.” I know what I want, Chocolate, from Godiva! Oh wait, we were talking about choosing a decision maker.
I could ask my mom, but she and I don’t see eye to eye. She can’t believe I clean people’s teeth for a living. Mom “earns” money the old fashioned way. She married it.
What about my receptionist? Are you kidding? That woman hates me. She thinks I’m an idiot. Can you believe that it bothers her when I sit in her chair to make a personal call? Explain that one to me. The world doesn’t revolve around her; it revolves around ME!!
Can my dentist do it? He could, but he might want to pull my plug in order to save the really big bucks. After all, I haven’t seen a raise in how long?
So I choose my best friend Bruce. He holds my purse when I’m shopping and listens to me kvetch about my patients at dinnertime. He knows I don’t want tubes going into my body. It is a very personal thing. I don’t want to live on a machine unless it is one of those oxygen bars found in Las Vegas. You know what I’m talking about, where there is colored oxygen going into your nose. It can be color coordinated you know. I wonder if they can do a “leopard print” tube?
Bruce knows what I want. He’s in “the club” — my fan club. Besides, if he keeps me alive at all costs, I’ll haunt him. He handles stressful situations much better than I do.
Thank goodness I figured out who to ask to be my “decision-maker.” It’s like finding the perfect blue contacts that make my eyes sparkle and match my scrubs. So, who are you going to ask to be your Power of Attorney for Health Care? Think about it. If you need my advice, you can always e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Next article I will tell you how to start “the conversation” with your family or friends. Ummm, I better research that one first. It isn’t quite the same as going up to a cute guy at a bar and having him buy me a girlie drink. Then again, why not?